


Hiding The Pain

by Abbyr99



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad!Louis, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Vunerable!Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1725581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbyr99/pseuds/Abbyr99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I guess the pain had been building up for a while; I just never really noticed it. I had become so used to the pain that I was numb to any other sort of pain.</p><p>Or the one where Louis is depressed and Harry can sort of be an idiot.</p><p>*08/14/16: Probs gonna make a new edited version. I have a new laptop since mine broke back in 2014 after I wrote this. Plus I have all new writing abilities!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiding The Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first work on this site so sorry if it's really bad! If hurting Louis tears you apart then beware of this story!

I guess the pain had been building up for a while; I just never really noticed it. I had become so used to the pain that I was numb to any other sort of pain. I used to feel pain. I used to despise it. All the hatred would build up inside of you. You always find a way to let it out though. Whether it be a scream, pills, or a razor. I went for the latter.

None of it ever let all the pain out, though.

I would still be left at home in an empty flat, waiting for him to come home with a bloody razor and empty stomach. When he did come home, he would ignore me and head on up to bed. That's when I started using the extra bedroom.

It wasn't as nice as his room. It didn't smell like the polo cologne he wore everyday. It didn't have his warm blankets or cozy pillows on the bed. There were none of his posters hanging on the wall. There was no lamp that he would turn off after he'd finished undressing. There wasn't a hole right beside the door from where I had slammed the door open after trying to get away from one of his famous tickle wars. All in all, the room didn't feel like home, even though I was only across the hall. I'm only at home with Harry.

But Harry doesn't trust me anymore; hell, last time Harry trusted me was probably a year ago. But I guess he has a good reason. I broke a promise that I swore I would never break. It has caused him endless pain.

Hendall

It was everywhere. On every post lamp and every magazine on the planet. The hottest couple of the year is what they called them. One even said, "A new love is forming before our very eyes." What they don't know is that they have been watching Harry Styles fall in love for 3 years. With me.

Hendall had brought a new kind of pain to our relationship. You would think that with Harry having a beard, he would understand the pain it brings you with having to be the one to protect our secret. That he would understand the constant ache and throbbing pain that I've been living with for the past year and a half.

But no. Of course he didn't. He still ignored me every time he came home. He still left to go hang out with his new friends he had made after Elounor had come out. Harry still avoided sitting by me at interviews.

And it hurts. It hurts so god damn much, but no one hears me. No one hears it when I scream in pure agony for help. When I can't handle it anymore, I have nobody to lean on. After coming home from a stressful day, I have to scream into my pillow. Because you have to let the pain out some way right?

Everyone expects me to hold the world on my shoulders because I'm the oldest. I can handle everything. Don't worry I wont break. I'm the strong one. Nothing can hurt me.

I don't have feelings right? If I'm feeling hurt I can just live on right? I don't need an outlet.

Wrong. It's so fucking wrong. Yet everyone believes it. People think I can just go on with holding these feelings inside of me. That they can just simply go away. That's much farther from the truth though. The hurt, pain, sorrow, disappointment, and just pure agony just builds up like steam in a tea pot with a cork in the top. And just like me, the cork will eventually pop.

~~~~~~

"Harry?" I ask into the darkness. "Hello?"

Sighing, I close the door shut tightly and take off my beanie. Another home alone. Yay.

I wander down the hall, passing the kitchen on my way. I stop as I see something float from the table. I stumble into the room and pick it up.

'Gone to Nicks. Be home tomorrow. ~Harry'

It doesn't even surprise me anymore. He's there everyday. I wouldn't be surprised if he lived there now. To be honest, the last time he actually stayed the night at home would be... almost a week ago.

I'm starting to wonder if he even loves me anymore. I mean the last time we had a proper conversation was 5 days ago and even that had a couple nasty words in it.

I'm starting to feel as if I should just give up.

~~~~~~

Do you ever think about death? I mean what would it be like in the afterlife? Would you go to your own personal heaven or is it just one big place? Can you come back to Earth to look after your loved ones? Are you allowed to contact them?

How would you die? Would you get into a car crash? Would you get murdered? Maybe you would die of sickness. Or what about suicide?

You could take a whole bottle of pills or jump off a building. Maybe slit your wrists until you die of blood loss. Maybe hang yourself in a closet and hope that no one ever finds you. There are plenty of ways to do it.

Is it sad that I think about this every day?

~~~~~~

"Hey I'm going out with Nick. See you later." Harry calls out as he gathers his jacket and starts making his way towards the door.

"Why don't you come watch the game with me?" I ask, hoping that he will say yes so we can finally hang out together. I mean come on. Who doesn't want to cuddle or kiss their boyfriend?

"Um no I'm good. Nick and I are going out to the park to have lunch. You could join us..if..you'd like." He gets out.

"Uh..no. No. You guys go along. I don't mean to intrude. I'd like to see who wins anyway."

Lie.

"Okay well bye."

"Love you-" Slam.

Before he could even reach the stairs, I break down. Clutching my pillow, I scream at the top of my lungs. How much longer do I have to hide this?

'You don't have to deal with it anymore.' The voice in my head mocks me.

"NOOO!" I scream, throwing the pillow across the room and knocking an expensive vase off the table. As I sit there heaving, I realize the voice in my head might be right.

This is the voice that convinced me that cutting would relieve the pain. It was also the voice that convinced me to ask Harry out in the first place. I wonder what else it might be right about....

~~~~~~

Hi this is Harry. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Just leave -

"C'mon Harry pick up the damn phone." I said through gritted teeth as I redial the number.

Hi this is Harry. Sorry I can't get to-

Redial.

Hi this is Harry. Sorry-

Hi this is Harry-

Hi this is Ha-

Hi-

"Damn it!" I throw my phone across the bathroom, and I watch it break into hundreds of different pieces.

'Do it.' I hear in my head. 'No body will care. Harry's got a new one. And it's a girl this time.' 

"No." I breathe.

'Yes. Someone he can hold hands with out in public. Someone he can kiss and not be ashamed of himself afterwards.'

"No. It's not true," I whimper quietly, finally tired of arguing with the voice like I have been doing for the past hour.

'Oh, but it is. And you know it too. Harry doesn't love you anymore. He was always ashamed of you. That's the reason he never fought with management the way you did. He just didn't care. You've been a burden for years, to Liam, and Niall, and Zayn. They just put up with you because they're too nice to say anything about your patheticness. And poor Harry. The lad has been putting up with your ugly self more than the boys. No wonder he wants out of the house all the time. He and everyone else has been dealing with your lonely fatass for years. Don't you think it's time for them to have some peace? It'd be better for everyone if you just did it.'

I slowly get up and stumble over to the bathroom cabinet. Fondling with the cap of pills, I struggle to open it. I then start beating it on the sink.

"God damn it open!" 

"Louis!" 

I quickly turn on my heel to look at the curly haired lad that I call-called my boyfriend.

"Haz. Please help me open it. I can't open it."

"Why do you need it open Loubear? Is your head hurting? Do you need to go lie down?" he questions with his eyebrows creased to the middle in concern.

"Yes. I'm just so tired. Please help me sleep Haz. Please." I'm basically begging by now. I'm so distraught I don't even realize what I'm asking him.

Suddenly a look of realization dawned on his face. Slowly but surely he approached me. 

"Louis. Give me the bottle."

"Just open it please," I pleaded.

"Give it to me now," he replies sternly.

"No," I shoot back just as hard, suddenly remembering he doesn't care what I do.

Suddenly, he leaps out to snatch the bottle out of my hands. In the middle of the struggle, the lid pops open and all the pills spued along the floor.

"No!" I cry as I reach for the ground, trying to grab as many as I can; however, Harry catches my arm before I can even get one.

"Louis No! Get away from them!" he yells in my face. 

"NO! Please just let me die! I just want to leave. Let me go please. I'm begging you Please. Please." I finally give up and sink to my knees sobbing my eyes out.

Harry is quick to cradle me in his arms while whispering reassurances in my ear. 

'None of it's true though.' The voice retorts.

As I lay there in a heap of mess on the floor with Harry cradling me telling me over and over again that he loves me, I can't help but know that someday I'll get some time alone and I'll lock the door this time.

~~~~~~

And that day does come, just two weeks later when a heartbroken Harry cradles an unmoving, bloody Louis in his arms, wondering if he could have done more to keep his Loubear here.


End file.
